Criminal

This post was going to be called, "I go to culinary school and have stories to tell the world" but when i clicked the Title bar, "Criminal" popped up so I really had no other choice but to go with that. Don't worry, I'll work it in.

So as of a week ago I am once again a college freshman. I just finished orientation. I learned about campus safety and date rape and blue emergency lights and just got a fucking 90% on my alcoholEDU test (drunk! holla!). I have class from 2pm-6pm everyday. That's four hours. (I know that because one of my classes is culinary math and that means I am much fresher than anyone not in culinary school on their remedial math skills). Mixed fractions!

They gave me knives.

In the next 6 weeks I will learn a lot about myself as I change and adapt to my new world at college - "The best 2 years of your life... if you are getting an associates degree". Over that same time period I will also learn to identify and describe over 18 types of lettuce in my product knowledge class, the correct heating and holding temperatures of various foods to avoid food spoilage in the danger zone (think Kenny Loggins), and how the fuck caesar salad was invented in Mexico by, yep you guessed it, a Mexican, in my introduction to gastronomy class. I'm also gonna learn how to two story funnel like a pro. Fluid ounces are different from ounces guise!!

We got orientation t-shirts and did team building in the rec center and our team did a kick ass job on the scavenger hunt. We were the fastest to run to the rec center snack bar to find out how much a grilled cheese costs and we all totally already knew the latin name for sage. ($3, Salvia Officionalis). Needless to say I haven't taken my 2-XL t-shirt off yet because I don't want anyone to forget that I am big man on campus.

In super great news I have met about 5 or so people that are funny and know about adult swim and like to make fun of others - so while I have withdrawal from everyone on this blog, it has been tempered by these good souls. Culinary schools are attended by three groups of people (I can make this statement because I have been going to one since March 2nd, just like Skline can talk Jewish stuff 'cause he may or may not be part or 100% Jewish and Bryan can eat General Gua's chicken and swastikas (sorry Skline, maybe) and Jeff can shoot engineers in the face with a shotgun) and they are:

1. culinary nerds - think pimples, ryan janoch-like manerisms (big, overweight structure with feminine movements and gestures), an inability to stop talking about the food in their mouth or on their plate or coming out of their colons as human waste, and an uncanny skill of making any cool culinary innovations seem not so cool, really quickly

2. spatula monkeys - i made this term up but i think it does a nice job of painting a picture of monkeys with spatulas - and that's important because it is the image I am trying to paint here. These guys are more like luigi calisto than ryan janoch and the only thing they have in common with the nerds is you wouldn't want to eat your food if you knew they were in the room when it was cooked.

3. me and those 5 people i met. we gotta stick together i think.

I don't think it really came through in this blog but i am actually psyched out of my mind to be here at school - I just wanted to get across some of the more ridiculous things I have gone through over the past few days. I get to think about and study food everyday for the next two years and hopefully the rest of my life - oh man if that's not reason enough to get an erection...

3========D
that one's for brian desimone

PS: Check out that new song Criminal by Fiona Apple, it's off the hook. Oh snap I told you I would work it in!