So...

So here's the article I wrote making fun of the article Ashley had written the year before. Its not really as funny as I remember in part because the references are dated and in part because I have virtually no memory of the original article, but perhaps more so because, having been to England, it's pretty solid.

Today at Burger King a crime was committed. I got a fat nubbin in my chicken tender. People, we can’t stand for this! It is time to rise against the tyranny and oppression of sub-par chicken. This sort of thing never happens in Great Britain, where no one and no one in their colonies have ever known unfair laws.
England is like the Canada of Europe! I’ve recently returned from the land of the gray skies and stained teeth, and let me tell you they have us beat in every respect. Their pop-culture is especially amazing. For instance when you go to a Rave in England the Queen actually comes and knights everyone there. Isn’t that simply rave-a-licious?
I’m eighteen, and while I was there I didn’t get carded once, because you can be really young and still get into places. It was great, I like little kids hangen’ out and doing stuff with me. Here in America I look around and think, “Man, if only there was a way to get more small children to drink and smoke. That’d be pretty cool, dude.” Sometimes I call up small children I baby sit for and see if they can go club hopping with me, but in America we just have to pretend. Sometimes I take toddlers into my basement, set up a strobe light and make-believe. It’s wicked cool, dude!
One time, in London (that’s the capitol of England you know) there was this kid at this club, he was seven. I mean, when you were seven here in America you never went clubbing, never ever. Man I hate Democracy or Democrazy as they call it England. They say every thing cooler over there. Like a bathroom is called the lou, the subway’s called the tube, and they even call TV the tele. First the metric system now calling french-fries chips, what will they think of next?
Also, oh my God, the food! Who doesn’t love English food? It’s like Chinese food with out the good taste. Where else but England can you eat stew three meals a day? Sometimes while you eat in Great Britain Prince Charles and his ears come over and rub your feet. When was the last time Al Gore did that for you, huh?
Further more let’s not forget double-decker buses. That’s two times the normal amount of people you can fit on a bus. Not a day goes by here in America that I don’t look at a bus and think to myself, “God, if only there was some sort of automobile that can hold twice as many people.” In England they’re all over the place! And their telephone booths are even red! That’s so rave-a-licious.
So in conclusion I’d just like to say burn the flag and don’t vote! America bloody sucks!