Note

If a man tries to look at his own asshole in a mirror, his balls get in the way.

The internet as masturbation. (Visual Study)

I think the internet is masturbation. Let's hit these issues head on, so to speak. Scott said it: "Currently I'm yammering pointless to my friends..."

Does that mean the internet is evil? Scott doesn't think so. I certainly don't think so. I heard that masturbation is heathly in all of its crazy forms. No matter!, we will never scourge the depths of our masturbatory powers. Ha!

The internet is not dangerous. I call it a God-head.

The internet

Its not a web, its not a net, its a sea. No one can really fathom the depth of Mother Internet. Gone are the days when you could visit virtually every site, or feel you've a good grasp of what each bbs has to offer. It has everything. We've explored more of the ocean's depths than the internet itself.

Currently I'm yammering pointless to my friends, waxing spiritual about a technological/military by product while loading not one, not two, but... ok I'll cut to the chase four episodes of the west wing. The West Wing was produced here in the US. Distributed on DVD's manufactured God knows where to China. A hacker in norway(IIRC) was the first to beat the encryption codes they use on DVD's which allowed a, I believe Niponese person to rip the episode off the dvd, load it onto a website (hosted in parts of asia unknown to me). From there a person in the UK set up a website that is hosted in the domican republic where the links from the Asian website are compiled for English speakers. That's the internet!

I've never laid eyes on my manager. I've never spent a dime on mailing him my scripts. I don't need to move to LA. I don't want to. That's the internet.

I've gotten into this comic book called Fables. Buying them over the net, with no shipping and cheaper than in book store every third book is free. I forgot my dad's birthday so I found an old baseball card he had as a kid that I bid for on ebay and can send for him for two dollars. I'm also going to watch another TV show that I missed on Tuesday cause of the game and a DVD I rented from a website. I probably won't watch all of these things tonight, especially not if I get into my book I first heard about when researching a topic I was interested in on wikipedia.

And lets not forget the porn. Although the example I'm going to site isn't my personal cup of tea it is remarkable. Somewhere, right now, a porn star is strapped to a table. She's surrounded by webcam. Internet users can log onto the site and use the various dildos and things attached to the table on the porn star. This isn't particularly enticing to me, but, my god, talk about interactive! That's one studderstep away from actually being able to fully simulate sex. Remarkable! I bet before we hit forty we will be able to don suits and, even if we don't want to engage in eroticism, interact in a simulated physical way. I happen to think Second life is silly and boring but imagine the application of teledildonics (I really wish that wasn't the actual term) being applied to video games. Or a bachelor party were all of the strippers have been programed to look like the grooms X-gf's. (Get on it, Chu!)

And whats more, we're moving ever steadily to having computers that interact directly with our brains. Right now there have been advances made that allow a quadriplegic man to literally just think about where he wants the mouse to move and it goes there. No eye flicks, no voice recognition. Thought. Thought directed movement. Combine this with wi-fi networks and boom. You will have the ability to access anything at any time. Physically you are at work, but your mind is watching old episodes of Seinfeld and your genitals think they're being licked by that attractive X of yours you've been day dreaming of lately. You live a hundred miles from your best friend but you're thinking through IM with each other and planning your next vacation. kayak.com's got the cheapest airfare and you're reasonable sure Priceline can get you the cheapest room.

In the meantime, I've begun talking to my cousin. I haven't seen him since he was, oh I don't know, 16 or so. But because of Facebook I can talk to him as much as I like. He seems like more or less my polar opposite but none the less a good guy. Its nice to know. I was worried about that.

So.. anyway, the internet is sort of like sea food. I'm sure there are hundreds of fish I'd hate to eat. BUt if you know where to look, bam, linguine in red clam sauce. Don't like sea urchin? Pow, broiled lobster. Thwack, spicy crunchy salmon. And lets not forget Tuna Tartar.

Hmm. apparently I'm hungry. It should also be noted that I used the internet to answer questions I didn't know no less than three times while typing this. Mainly helping guest find their destinations (thank you google maps!).

being alive is where its motherfucking at

This might seem like an ironic platform, but i need to get something off my ever-decreasing chest. i fucking hate the internet. i want to tear its face off using a small cactus and my diamond ring. every day i come into work and am inundated with pictures of young girls in colorful outfits who have more money to spend on that shit than i do and as a direct result, look way better than me! its demoralizing, to say the least. the internet can only be found on computers and handheld stupidity devices, two things i cannot fucking stand. the internet hates words and loves pictures and i guess thats ok but i still want to pretend it doesn't exist a lot of the time. it tells me too much! i don't need to know most things the internet wants me to know, or at least the bullshit stuff i have to look at for my bullshit job. god i hate fashion now. i hate fashion almost as much as i hate the internet. you can see my issue with my current position (www.stylesightings.com), a blog (on the internet!) about fashion. god. kill me. all i want to do is drink tea and smoke pot and hang out outside, maybe write the great american novel or have some kids or at least a vaguely amusing collection of short stories. fuck. right now i'm not writing shit besides my stupid blog, which doesn't really even count as writing. ridic. i need someone to give me a shitton of money so i can get my life back from those bastards at sallie mae and live my fucking life. jesus fuck.

Oh! Ashley's trying soooooooo hard to be like an alligator!

So (big surprise!) it turns out that Ashley likes to spend a lot of time in swamps.

As if Mat could be EVEN MORE LIKE TONY DANZA

Oh! I'm trying soooooo hard to be like Mat!

So (big surprise!) it turns out that Ash misleads people. That picture is actually of me imitating her (hence the hat, peace sign - which she stole from me to begin with - and the feet). You can see how it rips her pretty hard and so you can understand why she'd want to disguise it as something else to save face.

If she wanted to give you guyz evidence of me being gay then she should have posted that picture of my dick in her brother's ass.

Deep down, Ash just wishes she was as cool as I am. Take her imitation of me for example: second rate.

I'm Making Mat EVEN GAYER

Open letter to Osama bin Laden

Dear Osama bin Laden,

Why have you stopped making your videos? I enjoyed your last so much. Your cave looks so cozy and I love your hats and your Jesus beard. I'm glad you didn't shave it off to avoid the feds.

Have you heard of youtube (www.youtube.com)? If you make a new video (!!) I suggest you just post it there. Just make a user name ("al-quaeda" is a great one!), and post. It eliminates the middle-man and is generally wide spread. Eventually everyone will get it; it gets a lot of coverage. And people can comment on it ("Osama looks fat" or "Osama really likes to sit Indian style").

I also think you should think about setting up a facebook (www.facebook.com) account. It's really neat and great for "making friends." Myspace is also great, but a lot of people complain about its features.

Hope to see you on-line! Go Mujahideen!

Love,

Mat

My Link-O-Rama-Tama-Obama

So I've been meaning to do this for a while. I've looked at a lot of websites in my days and wanted to share a few with you. I hope this is as much as informative as it gives you a reason to waste some time. So check them out.

1) HypeBeast - Who likes crazy urban wear? This kid likes crazy urban wear. It's pretty sweet because they cover everything from shoes to music to those weird little bear toys. I don't know what they are but I want like 12 of them.

2) Supertouch - Is it a website for an asian massage parlor? NO! It's a blog that writes about graffiti and art and the such. Hooray! yeah I have nothing else to write.

3) Gmail - I use this to check my Electronic mails and internets messege my comrades. You want to internets messege?

Powerhouse GOP firm working to undermine Iraqi PM

CRAWFORD, Texas (CNN) -- A powerhouse Republican lobbying firm with close ties to the White House has begun a public campaign to undermine the government of Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, CNN has confirmed.

This comes as President Bush is publicly taking great pains to reiterate his support for the embattled Iraqi leader.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/08/24/anti.maliki.compaign/index.htm

Little queasy? yeah me too.

Seven and a half.

7 1/2.

Big games. Taking two is great, taking one is fine. We'll survive being swept but they won't. I won't jinx anything, but we had a hell-of-weekend. I feel pretty good.

Huh?

Just wanted to post this "huh?" inducing video clip from the Miss Teen America 2007 pagent.



"Everywhere like, such as." Is my new favorite sentence.

This ones...

Really more for Jeff and Chu,

Guys, what can you remember about Mr. Dunn? Is that how his last name is spelled? Didn't he live in New Hampshire? I've decided to try to track down his email.

Any suggestions? Chu, didn't your mom hire a couple of times? Any idea how she got a hold of him?

you'll never be at a loss for words again

friends, loved ones, and those going through trying times:

fear not, as the good people of hallmark have taken the mistery out of miscarriage, the anoxiety out of anorexia (anorexic), and the loss out of loss of young life. with their new line of Journeys encouragement cards, you'll never be at a loss for words again.


love,

dan <3

Tapping the Rockies... aka dear God why is your bachelor party in freaking Colorado?!?

Ending my nearly two months straight of crazy weekends, I am flying to Denver, where I will then rent a car and drive one hundred and thirty miles to my friend Mike's ski cottage for his bachelor party which has been going on since Wednesday...

...this will be followed (by about a month) with Mike's wedding... which is a white tie event. Yes... I will be renting a tux with tails, white vest, white tie (obviously) and gloves which are to be carried but not worn. Ginny needs a gown.

All in all I think my attending Mike's wedding may cost me more than my actual honey moon. The flipside though is effe it, when else am I going to be in Denver? Or, more accurately within a hundred and fifty miles of Denver.

Midnight Juggernauts

I try not to post every dorky music thing I'm into, but its about time I said a few words about the Midnight Juggernauts. I've been obsessing over them since late last year, when I discovered their single Shadows, which made my top 20 songs of 2006. This means that most of you have hopefully listened to them once. They've just released their first full-length album, Dystopia, in Australia and its amazing.

To sum up the music using every tactic that real music critics hate, they sound like the Electric Light Orchestra after an all-night binge of Daft Punk. There are swooshing synths, electronic blip embellishments, vocoders, interesting chord progressions, and layered vocal harmonies. AKA 100% pure awesome. They've been getting some exposure through another Australian band, Cut Copy, whom they share musical DNA with. Once Dystopia hits one of the major music markets I expect these guys to get great press.

The album is on the MyDataBus account, and below is a video for their latest single, Into the Galaxy. Please give em a listen, if only to humor me.

Scott Ruins Blog/My Life...An Open Letter To Thieves

Dear Thieves that broke into my apartment last time,

I bought a Wii yesterday! Hooray for me and my credit card. Please don't steal my stuff again. If you do, I will be forced to start a neighborhood watch where we stab anyone and everyone.

Kindest Regards,

Bryan

P.S.
Have you noticed since Scott wrote about Eric Gagne no one has posted? Coincidence? Me thinks not.

Eric Gagne Ruins Game/Vacation

I am just teasing but that bastard should be benched until he can throw two innings in a row without giving up a half dozen runs.

Still, we had a good time. Feel better Jeff.

Do You Have Anorexic?

This gem of a clip comes from Kige Ramsey, a video blogger that usually talks about sports and other awesome things like ESPN. In this clip we get Kige's opinion about Nicole Ritchie and some sound advice. I think Mat needs to get tested for the anorexic. INTERVENTION!

They're Coming To Get You

Michael Vick also dashed MY hopes

I really hope that people are still checking the blog, because this is the scariest/greatest moment in US History. From Fox News:



"Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, has been hit with a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar" lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy "missiles from Iran," FOX News has learned."

"“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint."

I have pictures of the whole suit, which "Due to restrictions on typewriters, this suit was handwritten". Here's my favorite (click it!):




CLICK HERE to see the rest, its worth the read. Microwave Testing?

Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday

In between watching the Kellz Trapped in the Closet, which is totally glorious by the way, I found this little gem.

"Chocolate rain dirty secret of economy. Chocolate rain turns that body into GDP."

In R. Kellz Newz! ~~~~ Monday!

Yo! MTV Trapzed (In the Closet)!

So starting Monday the IFC will start webcasting new chapters of R. Kelly's (aka Sexasaurus) Trapped in the Closet. You can watch the webisodes here (Jef do I get extra points for hyperlinking?) Up now is Chapter 12.5 which I posted earlier.

After they post all 22 chapters, they will air the whole thing on the IFC TV Channel - 9/7 at 9PM.

Raise your hand if you are excited! Or just post a comment.

Crazy.

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/08/buggy_rollin_suit_vs_motorcycl.php

My Tower

New Haven/Yale

Matt & Ashley,

I need everything you got. Places to go, things to do... hang out spots. Slummy streets... local news papers' names, school newspapers name, humor magazines, aspects of towny culture vs. yalie culture. Note worthy buildings... area legends (if any). Everything you got, I need it.

Student bar? What's the campus money called? How do your students dress? Unusual homeless people that are always around town...

I want to set the new project there. Lay it on me, everything helps.

Oh, Secret Society names. Anything I could read up on...

Wouldn't this imply....

So I was shooting my latest idea over to my manager and he shot me an email back saying this...

"There’s actually something pretty cool there. I guess my biggest question is should it be 1. Set in highschool 2. A play

The high school issue because of casting. If you don’t get michael sera and jonah hill (which you won’t any more) then it will be tough to make it into a bigger movie. I wonder if there’s a version where it’s will Ferrell and owen Wilson have to battle the king in yellow …?"

Doesn't this imply that Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson are reasonable canidates to act in my next project? Crazy.

New York = Hell On Earth

Storms kill one, disrupt travel around New York City

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/08/08/nyc.weather/index.html#cnnSTCText

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Strong winds and heavy rainstorms tore through the Big Apple early Wednesday, killing one person and wreaking havoc on the region's transit system and causing delays at two major airports.

Five other people have been injured throughout the city, most as a result of falling trees and flying objects when a tornado swept through Brooklyn shortly before 7 a.m. ET, Bloomberg said. (This was around the time I had just got out of work.)

Ashley's old neighborhood: The Sunset Park neighborhood in Brooklyn lost as many as 40 percent of its trees, according to Commissioner Joe Bruno of the city Office of Emergency Management.

Flash flooding warnings were briefly issued in New York City and surrounding areas after a strong thunderstorm moved through the region around 7 a.m., dumping up to 3 inches of rain in less than an hour over Manhattan and western and central Long Island.

"Due to severe flooding throughout the subway system, there are extensive delays on all subway lines," said a statement from the Metro Transit Authority. "Customers are advised when at all possible to use bus service." (This was still true when I left for work tonight, 15 hours after the rain stopped.)

But at least the rain cooled everyone off right? A heat advisory remains in effect for the New York City metro area, where the combination of high humidity from the morning's rainfall and afternoon temperatures in the 90s was expected to create heat indices around 100 degrees.

In related news my idiot backdoor neighbors left their laundry out on the line over night, which fell and clogged the drain in our backyard so our apartment flooded from the back. Meanwhile my land lord, having promised to send someone out to fix the drain in our light well just never got around to it until to day, so we flooded from the front too. By the time someone got out there to help us it had easily reached the 100 degree mark.

Charlie Brown finally sees the Great Pumpkin

Bonds has homered. Maybe now I can watch a game I care about without having to sit through all of his at bats.

Rules Police

I'm asking everyone who posts at OurBlogIsDifferent to stop posting entire articles from outside sources.

The associated commentary, a link, a title, and even the leading paragraph or summary are fine. I just think the whole thing clogs up the blog and the hosting site doesn't get the internet traffic that pays their bills, which is more important for small sites than mega-sites like CNN.com. Also, hyperlinking the web-addresses would be nice. To do that, select the words you want and click on the icon in the toolbar that looks like a green glob with a chain on top of it and then paste in the actual http address.

Sorry to pick on you, Scott, but this applies to everyone. If anyone disagrees, comment away and I'll rethink my request.

Love,
The Rules Police

Kidz are dumb

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/diet.fitness/08/06/mcdonalds.preschoolers.ap/index.html

All kidding aside this is disturbing and a good example of why libertarians who want the market to sort everything out are fucking crazy.

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- Anything made by McDonald's tastes better, preschoolers said in a study that powerfully demonstrates how advertising can trick the taste buds of young children.


In comparing identical McDonald's foods in name-brand and plain wrappers, the unmarked foods always lost.

Even carrots, milk and apple juice tasted better to the kids when they were wrapped in the familiar packaging of the Golden Arches.

The study had youngsters sample identical McDonald's foods in name-brand and unmarked wrappers. The unmarked foods always lost the taste test.

"You see a McDonald's label and kids start salivating," said Diane Levin, a childhood development specialist who campaigns against advertising to kids. She had no role in the research.

Levin said it was "the first study I know of that has shown so simply and clearly what's going on with (marketing to) young children."

Study author Dr. Tom Robinson said the kids' perception of taste was "physically altered by the branding." The Stanford University researcher said it was remarkable how children so young were already so influenced by advertising.

The study involved 63 low-income children ages 3 to 5 from Head Start centers in San Mateo County, Calif. Robinson believes the results would be similar for children from wealthier families.

The research, appearing in August's Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, was funded by Stanford and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.

The study is likely to stir more debate over the movement to restrict ads to kids. It comes less than a month after 11 major food and drink companies, including McDonald's, announced new curbs on marketing to children under 12.

McDonald's says the only Happy Meals it will promote to young children will contain fruit and have fewer calories and less fat.

"This is an important subject and McDonald's has been actively addressing it for quite some time," said company spokesman Walt Riker. "We've always wanted to be part of the solution and we are providing solutions."

But Dr. Victor Strasburger, an author of an American Academy of Pediatrics policy urging limits on marketing to children, said the study shows too little is being done.

"It's an amazing study and it's very sad," Strasburger said.

"Advertisers have tried to do exactly what this study is talking about -- to brand younger and younger children, to instill in them an almost obsessional desire for a particular brand-name product," he said.

Just two of the 63 children studied said they'd never eaten at McDonald's, and about one-third ate there at least weekly. Most recognized the McDonald's logo but it was mentioned to those who didn't.

The study included three McDonald's menu items -- hamburgers, chicken nuggets and french fries -- and store-bought milk or juice and carrots. Children got two identical samples of each food on a tray, one in McDonald's wrappers or cups and the other in plain, unmarked packaging. The kids were asked whether they tasted the same or whether one was better. (Some children didn't taste all the foods.)

McDonald's-labeled samples were the clear favorites. French fries were the biggest winner; almost 77 percent said the labeled fries tasted best while only 13 percent preferred the others.

Fifty-four percent preferred McDonald's-wrapped carrots versus 23 percent who liked the plain-wrapped sample.

The only results not statistically clear-cut involved the hamburgers, with 29 kids choosing McDonald's-wrapped burgers and 22 choosing the unmarked ones.

Fewer than one-fourth of the children said both samples of all foods tasted the same.

Pradeep Chintagunta, a University of Chicago marketing professor, said a fairer comparison might have gauged kids' preferences for the McDonald's label versus another familiar brand, such as Mickey Mouse.

"I don't think you can necessarily hold this against" McDonald's, he said, since the goal of marketing is to build familiarity and sell products.

He noted that parents play a strong role in controlling food choices for children so young.

But Robinson argued that because young children are unaware of the persuasive intent of marketing, "it is an unfair playing field."

An open letter to rodrigo, who commented on our blog.

Dear rodrigo,

I'm sorry, we don't take into account defective eyes. A thing isn't different if the person who sees it isn't. And that you not only spoke, but deigned to ask a question so discourtiously in a languge other than that which is obviously spoken here, and that you did not use capital letters only convince me more of your faulty vision and your sheer banality.

I hate to teach you about what I assume is your own language, but "igual" is not the opposite of "differente." Your question doesn't mean anything and your mother is very upset with you. I'd be interested in a comment more along the lines of the meaning of the question you wrote, but I just flat out doubt your intention as well as your intelligence.

Prey tell, how is it that one can ask a question and not expect an answer? I pity your situation: you exist in language without knowing it. So, thanks for proving a point.

Perhaps you meant to ask, "how can anything be different in itself?" That question answers itself. You're an idiot, but I hope you figure it out.

Tu me pareces igual a los otros, rodrigo. Try harder.

Love,

Mat

Panda Bear!! Bros video!! Awesome!!