Apology in blog form...

I'm very sorry to both Notapen and Ashie Smalls for sleeping through your multiple phone calls and doorbell rings. I completely forget I turned the ringer on the phone off yesterday. I'm gonna make you your own keys and would like to take you guys to dinner and a movie (I need to review Knocked Up tomorrow night).

As an advanced token of the gratitude I will feel when I am forgiven I would to present you with this link:

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/05/elephant_humping_ball.php

A Response to Response Female Cheetahs Do Stuff...Around

Response to "Female Cheetahs Sleep around"

Sluts!!!!

However, I do not understand the following about this article:

1. Are there cheetah VDs?: "Mating with more than one male poses a serious threat to females, increasing the risk of exposure to parasites and diseases."

2. Since when do we assign moral categories to a cheetah (and to all cats for that matter)?: "This is good news for conservation as the genetic diversity of future generations of cheetah will be preserved by their duplicitous behavior." (Sarah Durant, leader of the Serengeti Cheetah Project since 1991) - Sarah Durant is the real slut here.

Do you think the male cheetah gives a shit where he sticks his winkle, or a female thinks about her honor and fidelity? Do you really think he's thinking, "Where the fuck was this slut last night? Duplicity! Infidelity!" and she, "I wonder if Frederick has a bigger dick than George."

In the end, I'm really hoping this article is a joke because it makes the most promiscuous assumptions and comes to the most duplicitous conclusions.

Has anyone else noticed the (false) cognates: cheetah - cheater? *Cuckoos also are sluts by a similar logic.

Female Cheetahs Sleep around

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/05/30/cheetah.infidelity.reut/index.html

Study: Female cheetahs sleep around.

Well it stands to reason, I mean we knew they were fast.

About Ashley Churchill: Actual Document Sent Along With a Real Resume to a PR Company That May Or May Not Make Me Famous

1982 Born in a farm town in Massachusetts.

1986-8 Fights boys, climbs trees. Spends most afternoons in a leotard, doing ballet.

1989 Discovers the GAP. Develops a taste for 100% cotton items. Begins life-long shunning of synthetic fabrics.

1990 Throws “clash” themed birthday party. Guests are required to don outfits that do not match or look decent in any way. Hilarity ensues.

1991 Begs mother for spandex bicycle shorts and B.U.M. equipment sweatshirts because “they are the cool things that everybody’s wearing.” Is soundly denied and thankful for it later on in life.

1992 Begins wearing her father’s vests and ties to school, paired with silk shirts.

1994 Discovers rock music. Buys first pair of Chuck Taylors.

1995-1999 Continues to sport “alternative style,” including a horrible green hair phase.

1999-2000 Becomes active in rave culture (unbeknownst to her mother). Wears wooden beads, gigantic pants and neon sneakers.

2000-2004 Allegedly studies political communication and speech at
Emerson but actually spends all her time taking Polaroids of people’s outfits, going dancing and listening to The Smiths, often simultaneously.

2004 Moves to Hawaii. Lives in a tree house made from found materials. Spends most of her time at the beach, writing and swimming. Rarely wears real shoes or makeup.

2005 Back home for a hot minute, then off to South Korea for a year of teaching English. Common discussion topics include American fashions, who hit who first and food. Becomes obsessed with Korean and Japanese pop-culture. Spends most paychecks on clothes, if only because she can fit into them and other foreigners cannot.

2006 On a whim, chooses Brooklyn as her new home. Buys skinny jeans.

2007 Stumbles luckily into her current position as blog mama at Stylesight. Is totally thrilled.

Stuff vs. Other Stuff

My Dad and I have always wondered what kind of Animals would win in a fight vs. what kind of other animals. Round one is a Tiger vs. a Thrasher Shark. Here are a few promotional photos poppa Kline just send me of the Tiger he bought.

exoPlanets

Check this out. Not a real surprise except for the numbers looking like they could approach ten percent. Now there are huge variables here. We don't know that any are habitable per se, and we could be in a particularly dusty branch of the galaxy resulting in waaaaaay more planets than average (unlikely but at this point we've surveyed a relatively small sample size) still this is just really, fundamentally cool.

Sure, we're never going to see a practical application of this stuff in our life times, I grant you that. But with billions of planets out there, with maybe ten percent being habitable there's bound to be at least one planet filled with Sexy Cat woman that's Matt's descendants could potentially sleep with, and in the end, isn't that all he's ever really dreamed of?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/space/05/29/space.exoplanets.reut/index.html

Planet-hunters find bonanza of new solar systems


POSTED: 12:56 p.m. EDT, May 29, 2007
var clickExpire = "06/12/2007";
Story Highlights• 28 new planets found outside our solar system in the past year • Scientists: There could be billions of habitable planets out there • Four of the solar systems have multiple planets • "Our home is not a rarity in the universe" says astronomer Geoffrey Marcy
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WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- Planet-seekers who have spotted 28 new planets orbiting other stars in the past year say Earth's solar system is far from unique and there could be billions of habitable planets.
The most recent planet discoveries bring the number of known exoplanets -- planets outside our solar system -- to 236, the researchers told a meeting of the American Astronomical Society in Honolulu Monday.
"We are beginning to see that our home is not a rarity in the universe," said Geoffrey Marcy, a professor of astronomy at the University of California Berkeley, who led the team.
"We are easily able to detect giant planets like Jupiter and Saturn around other stars. Most orbit far from the star like our own Jupiter and Saturn orbit from the sun," Marcy said in a telephone interview.
"It's a common structure among planetary systems."
New techniques allow astronomers to detect planets that are not enormous although Earth-sized objects cannot yet be seen, said the researchers.
Four of the systems also have multiple planets, like Earth's own with its sun, eight planets (Pluto was demoted from planet status) and smaller orbiting objects.
"We are finding that most stars have not just one planet but when we find one there is a second or a third or a fourth," Marcy said.
"The ... attribute which really has us the most excited is this new planet which we found three years ago," Marcy said. The Neptune-like planet orbiting the star Gliese 436 has intrigued scientists because it appears to be covered with water -- albeit rock-hard, hot water in a most un-Earthlike chemical state because of the intense pressures on the planet.
Earlier this month, Swiss and Belgian researchers imaged the star as this planet crossed between it and the Earth. The tiny change in the star's light gave them the planet's diameter and density.
"From the density of two grams per cubic centimeter -- twice that of water -- it must be 50 percent rock and about 50 percent water, with perhaps small amounts of hydrogen and helium," Marcy said.
"Now we are very sure it has a rocky core and this giant thick envelope of water," he added.
"This is why we are jumping out of our clothes. It is the first time we have determined the structure of one of these extrasolar planets. It is rocky like Earth but it has a lot of water which is the essential ingredient for life."
This is almost certainly happening over and over again, Marcy said. Scientists had theorized this for decades but now the hard evidence is starting to pour in.
"Our Milky Way galaxy has 200 billion stars. I would estimate that 10 percent of them, perhaps, have planets that are habitable," Marcy said.
"There are hundreds of billions of galaxies, all of which are more or less like our Milky Way Galaxy, which is tens of billions of planets like our own."
There is one unusual property to our solar system: the nearly circular orbits of the planets, which gives a consistent dose of radiation from the Sun.
Other solar systems seen so far are not usually like this. "Most of the planets are not in circular orbits around the host star but in elongated ones called elliptical orbits," Marcy said.
"We enjoy nearly constant temperatures throughout the year," he added. "If the Earth got too close to the sun, the Earth would heat up, the water would boil off and that would be bad." Too far, and it would freeze.
"An elongated orbit could not sustain life," Marcy said.

Obscurity (loop and deliverance) is our home: Notes on "We Don't Live Here Anymore."

The author's understanding of love is not only wrong, but also right (correct).
Do we make (produce) secret stories only to have them to tell like seamen?
This is certainly not a rhetorical question, on a drunken boat,
Till we cannot see beyond the breaking of waves.

For example:

"I can no more, bathed in your langours, O waves,
Sail in the wake of the carriers of cottons,
Nor undergo the pride of the flags and pennants,
Nor pull past the horrible eyes of the hulks." (The Drunken Boat)

or

"Since then, at an uncertain hour,
That agony returns :
And till my ghastly tale is told,
This heart within me burns." (The Rime of the Ancient Mariner)

Well worth a look.

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/05/battle_at_kruger.php

Lions grab a baby buffalo, lions have a tug-of-war over baby buffalo against crocodile, buffalo regroup and attack the lions, baby buffalo survives (for the time being).

Double Up - My Fave Tracks Reviewed for You by Me!

Hey,

So I got a copy of R.Kelly's (The Kellz, R.Zorro) new CD Double Up. What follows is a track by track in depth analysis consisting of my personal fave lyrics, what the song is about at face value and finally its true double meaning. I started doing it for all the songs but just decided on my 5 fave from the first 10 songs. The top 5 from the next 9 songs will be tomorrow.

I'll post the whole CD tonight.

I figure since the Kellz talks about doubling up he obviously means double meanings. Enjoy this as much as I enjoy the R. Zorro.

Song 1 - The Champ ft. Swizz Beats

Best Lyrics: "I'm pregnant by the game"

What the song means: Kellz is so good he can get pregnant so don't HATE.

On a deeper level: He is in support of science and cannot even start to imagine the endless possibilities and glories of stem cell research. Also he loved that movie JUNIOR.

Song 2 - Double Up ft. Snoop Dogg

Best Lyrics: "You know it don't stop when I walk up in the club/See a girl with a girl and try to get a group hug"

What the song means: R.Zorro would like to have a threesome. What's wrong with that?

On a deeper level: He supports the right for gay and lesbian partners to adopt and has made it his mission to hug each and everyone of them he sees at the club, preferably the Projets Club.

Song 5 - Leave Your Name

Best Lyric: "Leave your name right after the beep and i'm sure to get back with you if i'm not asleep or smokin on some trees or havin a little sex or if i'm not faded or makin a baby."

What the song means: He parties hard but definetly will get right back to you.

On a deeper level: OK I believe this actually his answering machine message.

Song 8 - The Zoo

Best Lyric: "I got you so wet it's like a rainforest. Like Jurrasic Park and I'm your sexasaurus."
What the song means: Do I really have to explain it?

On a deeper level: Obviously this is truely about Kellz belief that animals should never be put in zoos for human enjoyment. Especially of the sexy variety.

Song 9 - The Same Girl ft. Usher

Best Lyric: "She gonna be lookin oh so stupid when she sees us together"

What the song means: Usher and RKelly are being played by you guessed it the same girl. And they come up with the perfect plan to catch her like on NBC's To Catch a Predator.

On a deeper level: This clearly represents R.Kelly's disbelief in the current geopolitical climate of the Middle East. Plus really I would never believe that R.Kelly and Usher would ever be played by the same girl.

Jesus has come again...

And this time he's a hammerhead shark.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/05/23/virgin.sharks.ap/index.html

With all these sharks and komodo dragons giving virgin births all willy-nilly are there any doubts that we are living in the end times? I submit to you there are not!

Beer Brewing and BBQ

Now that title has a lot of Bees. Buzz.

I have a glorious idea that I think is best if shared Memo style:

Purpose: Get a group together to brew beer. Two weeks later, bottle the beer and have a BBQ.

I'm looking to get a group of up to 12 people to brew beer on Saturday the 9th at Incredibrew in Nashua. There are ton of different styles of beer you can brew there. Each ranges from $100 to $130, with a very few at $170 (those are the most interesting, though...) Each kettle yields 72 22oz bottles.

There are 6 kettles to brew in at Incredibrew, and I was thinking of putting two people to a kettle. This should keep the price down, so each person would pay $50-$65. They run a special where if your party pays for 5 of the kettles, the 6th is free, so I'm hoping to hit that magical 10 person mark at least. Also, the more we brew, the more different varieties everyone goes home with.

Two weeks later, on the 23rd, we'll bottle the beer in the morning. After that we go back to my place and have a BBQ as a pretext to try our beer.

So the short version is, if we get 12 people each person pays $41-$54 and gets 36 bottles. Brew on the 9th, drink of the 23rd.

I'm gaging interest here on the blog first to see if there's any interest. After that I'll start sending out emails to get the numbers up. If you want in, or you want to change the dates we brew/bbq, let me know if the comments along with what beer you want to brew (click the link above for the list of different styles). If you have any friends who would want to do this also post that in the comments along with what they want to brew.

for serious.

today i walked around in a d.i.y dress, thrift store vest and high heels. i bought clothes i can't afford after taking pictures of myself in them. i got paid for this.

this is my job. this is my life.

and goddamnit i'm buying another fucking pair of high heels cos that shit makes you feel tall.

opposites attract.

two steps forward.

In a certain measure this is art.

Aphorism

We cannot blame Pascal (or Montaigne) for believing in God, nor Heidegger for being a Nazi, just as we cannot blame Derrida for being Jewish, Sartre for being Ugly, or Nietzsche (or Lautréamont) for being Aphoristic.

Obscurity and clarity are the samething (e.g. blindness and insight).

Obscurity (loop and deliverance) is our home: Notes on "The Last King of Scotland."

Léopold Senghor, african poet-politician (a bad poet and a bad first president of Senegal), said that reason is hellenic as emotion is african. Dialogism is racist by default. The master-slave dialectic is based on an assumption of master-slave. Is this a metaphysical question or a political one? Aimé Césaire (black poet-politician) understood better - what makes him a poet in the strictest sense of the word - that this is not a statement but a question.

Why do we fuck and leave? why, like Oedipus or Orpheus, are we condemned to fuck and leave fuck and leave fuck and leave? "None of it is human flesh!" screams the man on his balcony. It is about flesh, the suspension of flesh, that cruelty.

For a historical (logical) understanding of "The Last King of Scotland":

The Last King of Scotland
Apocalypse Now
Hitler (an artist remember?)
The Theater of Cruelty
Heart of Darkness
A Season in Hell
Faust
The Marquis de Sade
Paradise Lost
Hamlet, Macbeth
The Divine Comedy
Jesus (and the writings of the apostles)
Socrates
The "Hebrew" Bible
Africa

"The trick by which this world of things is mastered - it is more proper to speak of a trick than a method - consists in the substitution of a political for a historical view of the past. 'Open, graves, you, the dead of the picture galleries, corpses behind screens, in palaces, castles, and monasteries, here stands the fabulous keeper of keys holding a bunch of the keys to all times, who knows where to press the most artful lock and invites you to step into the midst of the world of today, to mingle with the bearers of burdens, the mechanics whom money ennobles, to make yourself at home in their automobiles, which are beautiful as armor from the age of chivalry, to take your places in the international sleeping cars, and to weld yourself to all the people who today are still proud of their privileges. But civilization will give them short shrift' (Apollinaire)."

- Walter Benjamin, "Surrealism." The relationship of much of "african" or "black" art to surrealism is itself manifest.

...

Thesis on the confessional mode (the contemporary mode par excellence): the roads to hell are the same as the roads to heaven; the trajectories of hell are the same as the trajectories of heaven.

Obscurity (loop and deliverance) is our home: Notes on "Notes on a Scandal."

I cannot read unless I be a homosexual female (lesbian): in love with woman, non-sexual toward male and female, and sexual toward "woman" as woman. It is the lesson of surrealism that a misogynistic poetry is not possible: love poetry confessing thought.

No. Reading is not the flower that grows from shit but the shit itself. Reading is queer.

Captain Planet he's our hero

Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

GO PLANET!

With your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet, he's our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
He's our powers magnified,
And he's fighting on the planet's side

Captain Planet, he's our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
Gonna help him put asunder,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

"You'll pay for this Captain Planet!"

We're the planeteers,
You can be one too!
'Cause saving our planet is the thing to do,
Looting and polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:

"THE POWER IS YOURS!!"

Natural Progression

As everyone knows, you start off as a kid, then become a teenager, then a young adult, then an old guy, then an East Asian, and then an El Greco painting. Its just the circle of life. Here is what I apparently looked like and will look like in the future:




You'll notice that I have and will always have a goatee.

I did this at the Face Transformer which you should totally check out. You find a picture of your face, upload it, and then the magic happens. There were a couple of other faces you can check out, too. I know Dan has always wanted to know what he would look like were he Afro-Caribbean.

I can't wait until I get old enough to be a painting, because I think I look pretty sweet.

too good to be fake: shoe names

A little known fact: most shoe companies come up with names for each style they create. this is the job i really want, naming fucking shoes.

Actual Shoe Names:

*Don't Panic
*Baby
*Hipster
*Papillon Gloss
*Mating Game
*Hip-Hop
*Wonton
*Handled
*Eskimo
*Paris Love
*Hookup Cat

i made one of those up. but which one? (which one do i ch-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-choose?)

Why on Earth is this a good thing?

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/05/software_restores_shredded_doc.php

Doesn't anyone way the pros and the cons any more? Who would look at this technology and say, yes, this will have practical applications in our increasingly paperless offices and certianly not be used for identity theft, or, for that matter, theft theft.

Now before throwing things away I guess we'll all have to soak them in various bowls of bleach and paint to make sure they're unreadable.

that kind of shit won't happen in the future.

what's up chickens. jeff has politely informed me via email that i am allowed to write about the following topics: evolution, reading, r.kelly and chu's "fag hag" status. i guess if i had to sum this shit up, that'd be about it, plus food (dan) and sports/movies (scott). i'm fairly sure that the topics i will be covering here are as follows: new york bullshit, total bullshit and fashion.

let's all pigeon-hole ourselves!

but really what i need to talk about are the horriffic toenails i saw on the train this morning. why women think that french manicures are a good idea for their feet is beyond me. little white borders on the tips of your too-long toenails jesusgod that's gross. fucking kill me. that shit ruins my commute.

mandatorytoenailclippingforall.com

Penelope, the Spiny Haired Terrier

We are the proud owners of Penelope, a rare Spiny Haired Terrier.
To the left: Sleepy.
Center: Preparing for her dreaded Spin attack!
Bottom: Exploring the wonders of the coffee table.

And she wants to know, Jeff, when's the new comic book coming out.

I've Been Busy

Yo suckas,

So I just spent all night uploading new music for y'all and here is a small taste of what you can find on mydatabus:

Dan Deacon - Spiderman of the Rings
This CD is like skitzo electronica that you can't stop a boppin' too. Jeff, Dan and I saw him open for Girl Talk and he was funny and high voltage.
Check out this song THE CRYSTAL CAT

Handsome Furs - Plague Park
You'll like this CD if you like Wolf Parade. It is one of the singers from Wolf Parade and his fiance and a drum machine. It is pretty solid.
Check out this song HANDSOME FURS HATE THIS CITY

Art Brut - It's a Bit Complicated
I haven't listened to this yet, but they put out one of the best cds of 05?

Justice - + (I dunno how to make that cross symbol so deal wif it)
I haven't listened to it yet, but BEAT is such an ill city song.

<3

Gotta Be Lip Gloss

At Chu's behest, I uploaded the DJ A-Trak album to the mydatabus account. The album, Dirty South Dance, is southern style rap mixed with dance music. Its pretty sweet, even if that description makes you cringe. But it also reminded me that I needed to upload a mashup I did a while ago. It's Lil' Mama - Lip Gloss and Who Made Who - Got To Be There.

Lil Mama vs Who Made Who - GottaBeLipGloss.mp3

The picture here is Who Made Who dressed up like skeletons. Or maybe they are skeletons. But what the hell do I know from skeletons, right?

Well, I do know that when I die I'm going to stipulate in my will that the inheritor(s) of my estate have to have my skeleton mounted and wheel it out during holidays. Idealy it would have a plaque that says something like "Jeff Hamalainen/Made a couple cool mashups/Died of Global Warming".

Just for Matt

http://geekologie.com/2007/05/chinese_create_ecigarette.php

Red Sox fan stops molester

Compare this story to the Yankee's fan who was training terrorists. I think the difference is clear. http://www.emailthis.clickability.com/et/emailThis?clickMap=viewThis&etMailToID=1385499763

Failure!!!

Hey. I failed my PhD qualifying examination.

Now I have to do them again in the Fall. Lovin' life.

Someone put the "cry sounds" on this post.

Awesome Comic

meat

just finished a seven day course called seafood identification and fabrication where i had the pleasure of cutting up numerous fish. Two that were of particular importance to me were the Tilefish and the Wolf Fish. The wolf fish is nuts, just look at it. You are scared. It's okay, your supposed to be. The Tilefish is grand, just look at it. You have an erection. It's okay, you're gross. Before fish class I had meat class and luckily I have one great picture from it that i can share with all of you through interwebbing.

I just thought i would post and balance out the ridiculous spread of posting styles on Our Blog is Different.

Skline - politically charged ranting and quasi-nerdy (okay nerdy) analysis of stuff
Matt - mind-expanding shit that will will expand the fuck out of ur mind
Jeff - music mixed with moving images in the proper proportions to melt your brain
Chu - ninja kids dancing



okay i suck ass at uploading images so the wolf fish is up there twice, but that's probably better for effect anyway.

This is not ok.

"The field split on another issue, with Brownback, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo raising their hands when moderator Chris Matthews asked who did not believe in evolution."

from: http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/05/03/republicans.debate.ap/index.html

This is not ok. I don't think any of these three are serious contenders at this point, but if three of ten men running for the presidential nomination of a major party in this country don't believe in evolution, I have to say something is deeply, deeply wrong.

Ah well, these guys will most likely faulter early from the race. If they do very well though in some early primaries I might be much, much more upset about this.

Reading

Reading is rotting a little. Understand this well: during one's whole life, right up to the moment of collapse - your act of reading inexorably manages to taint you so that you become the one who is tainted. - Georges Bataille

Ninja Kids In a Videogame World

Little known fact...that's me!

the fonze

okay if you all have seen and known about this and haven't told me then go straight to hell. if on the other hand you know nothing about it... well you are in for the treat of your life. we all knew stefan voltz was a hilarious german kid who owned the halls of WA for a year, and we all know he has no trouble getting the ladies (German and otherwise), and damn that boy could rap. But was anyone aware he placed second in the air guitar nationals (Germany I believe) last year? yup. and welcome to your lucky day because here is the submission what won him that title... http://www.fape.info/airguitar/AquaAir_16zu9_FINAL.mpg

Eurovision

We had to share Eurovision with all our fellow dirty American scum, because you're all probably too busy hating terrorism and illegal immigrants to search out gigantic European music competitions. Here's a quick summary of the event courtesy of Wikipedia:

The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual competition held among active member countries of the European Broadcasting Union (EBU), in which participating countries each submit a song to be performed on live television; then proceed to cast votes for the other countries' songs, in order to find the most popular song in the competition.

Almost every country around Europe you can think has participated in this at least once, and Israel. I don't really understand all of the particulars, like why some countries are automatically entered into the finals (England, France, Germany, and last years winners Finland!!!), while others have to make it through an optional semi-finals. First up is a video of the semi-finalists:



I don't know if you caught it, but Switzerland's song is in fact about Vampires. Now onto the Automatic-Finalists!



The finals are Saturday, May 12th in Finland because they won last year with Lordi's Hard Rock Hallelujah. You can find more info at www.Eurovision.tv and more videos of longer performances at youtube. As a special final treat, here is a music video of last years winner.



-J*E*F^2 and the Drizzle