Note

If a man tries to look at his own asshole in a mirror, his balls get in the way.

The internet as masturbation. (Visual Study)

I think the internet is masturbation. Let's hit these issues head on, so to speak. Scott said it: "Currently I'm yammering pointless to my friends..."

Does that mean the internet is evil? Scott doesn't think so. I certainly don't think so. I heard that masturbation is heathly in all of its crazy forms. No matter!, we will never scourge the depths of our masturbatory powers. Ha!

The internet is not dangerous. I call it a God-head.

The internet

Its not a web, its not a net, its a sea. No one can really fathom the depth of Mother Internet. Gone are the days when you could visit virtually every site, or feel you've a good grasp of what each bbs has to offer. It has everything. We've explored more of the ocean's depths than the internet itself.

Currently I'm yammering pointless to my friends, waxing spiritual about a technological/military by product while loading not one, not two, but... ok I'll cut to the chase four episodes of the west wing. The West Wing was produced here in the US. Distributed on DVD's manufactured God knows where to China. A hacker in norway(IIRC) was the first to beat the encryption codes they use on DVD's which allowed a, I believe Niponese person to rip the episode off the dvd, load it onto a website (hosted in parts of asia unknown to me). From there a person in the UK set up a website that is hosted in the domican republic where the links from the Asian website are compiled for English speakers. That's the internet!

I've never laid eyes on my manager. I've never spent a dime on mailing him my scripts. I don't need to move to LA. I don't want to. That's the internet.

I've gotten into this comic book called Fables. Buying them over the net, with no shipping and cheaper than in book store every third book is free. I forgot my dad's birthday so I found an old baseball card he had as a kid that I bid for on ebay and can send for him for two dollars. I'm also going to watch another TV show that I missed on Tuesday cause of the game and a DVD I rented from a website. I probably won't watch all of these things tonight, especially not if I get into my book I first heard about when researching a topic I was interested in on wikipedia.

And lets not forget the porn. Although the example I'm going to site isn't my personal cup of tea it is remarkable. Somewhere, right now, a porn star is strapped to a table. She's surrounded by webcam. Internet users can log onto the site and use the various dildos and things attached to the table on the porn star. This isn't particularly enticing to me, but, my god, talk about interactive! That's one studderstep away from actually being able to fully simulate sex. Remarkable! I bet before we hit forty we will be able to don suits and, even if we don't want to engage in eroticism, interact in a simulated physical way. I happen to think Second life is silly and boring but imagine the application of teledildonics (I really wish that wasn't the actual term) being applied to video games. Or a bachelor party were all of the strippers have been programed to look like the grooms X-gf's. (Get on it, Chu!)

And whats more, we're moving ever steadily to having computers that interact directly with our brains. Right now there have been advances made that allow a quadriplegic man to literally just think about where he wants the mouse to move and it goes there. No eye flicks, no voice recognition. Thought. Thought directed movement. Combine this with wi-fi networks and boom. You will have the ability to access anything at any time. Physically you are at work, but your mind is watching old episodes of Seinfeld and your genitals think they're being licked by that attractive X of yours you've been day dreaming of lately. You live a hundred miles from your best friend but you're thinking through IM with each other and planning your next vacation. kayak.com's got the cheapest airfare and you're reasonable sure Priceline can get you the cheapest room.

In the meantime, I've begun talking to my cousin. I haven't seen him since he was, oh I don't know, 16 or so. But because of Facebook I can talk to him as much as I like. He seems like more or less my polar opposite but none the less a good guy. Its nice to know. I was worried about that.

So.. anyway, the internet is sort of like sea food. I'm sure there are hundreds of fish I'd hate to eat. BUt if you know where to look, bam, linguine in red clam sauce. Don't like sea urchin? Pow, broiled lobster. Thwack, spicy crunchy salmon. And lets not forget Tuna Tartar.

Hmm. apparently I'm hungry. It should also be noted that I used the internet to answer questions I didn't know no less than three times while typing this. Mainly helping guest find their destinations (thank you google maps!).

being alive is where its motherfucking at

This might seem like an ironic platform, but i need to get something off my ever-decreasing chest. i fucking hate the internet. i want to tear its face off using a small cactus and my diamond ring. every day i come into work and am inundated with pictures of young girls in colorful outfits who have more money to spend on that shit than i do and as a direct result, look way better than me! its demoralizing, to say the least. the internet can only be found on computers and handheld stupidity devices, two things i cannot fucking stand. the internet hates words and loves pictures and i guess thats ok but i still want to pretend it doesn't exist a lot of the time. it tells me too much! i don't need to know most things the internet wants me to know, or at least the bullshit stuff i have to look at for my bullshit job. god i hate fashion now. i hate fashion almost as much as i hate the internet. you can see my issue with my current position (www.stylesightings.com), a blog (on the internet!) about fashion. god. kill me. all i want to do is drink tea and smoke pot and hang out outside, maybe write the great american novel or have some kids or at least a vaguely amusing collection of short stories. fuck. right now i'm not writing shit besides my stupid blog, which doesn't really even count as writing. ridic. i need someone to give me a shitton of money so i can get my life back from those bastards at sallie mae and live my fucking life. jesus fuck.

Oh! Ashley's trying soooooooo hard to be like an alligator!

So (big surprise!) it turns out that Ashley likes to spend a lot of time in swamps.

As if Mat could be EVEN MORE LIKE TONY DANZA

Oh! I'm trying soooooo hard to be like Mat!

So (big surprise!) it turns out that Ash misleads people. That picture is actually of me imitating her (hence the hat, peace sign - which she stole from me to begin with - and the feet). You can see how it rips her pretty hard and so you can understand why she'd want to disguise it as something else to save face.

If she wanted to give you guyz evidence of me being gay then she should have posted that picture of my dick in her brother's ass.

Deep down, Ash just wishes she was as cool as I am. Take her imitation of me for example: second rate.